Spasmodic Blog

What it's Like to Get Old

Back a few years ago, I wrote an entry about Ray Kurzweil.  He's the scientist guy who predicts that most of us will be "part machine" in the next century, owing to advancements in technology.  He thinks that medical "nanobots" will be created.  These nanobots will go inside our bodies and correct problems like disease --- and even reverse the aging process! 

The nanobots sounded so fabulous that I had to write about them.  Maybe we (ie, I and my cohorts) would be the first generation to remember what it's like to get old.  That's a weird sentence, isn't it?  Remembering being old?  But (like I said) it has been a few years and I'm beginning to lose faith.  What if the nanobots don't get here in time?  That would be a bummer, huh?  To be the last generation to get old and die?   Man, it's not pretty.

I've always heard that older people take genuine pleasure in their happy memories.  I had never really had that experience....I mean, I remembered stuff but didn't really take comfort in my memories...until just recently.  I caught myself recalling the visits that my ex-husband (yes! isn't that strange?)  and I would make to my mother-in-law's house for dinner.  We'd show up, and hang out at her house while she cooked (now, that part I understand) and then we'd all eat, peacefully and without interruption.  I caught myself smiling as I remembered this.  Weird, weird, weird....

Now: Why would I start with this particular memory?   I don't know.   I hope I don't turn out like old Dominic from the nursing home.  He was one of my first clients when I was a  young social worker, and he was fixated on one particular memory.   He'd tell me the same story over and over and over and over again.  And it wasn't even that interesting!   It was about collecting mushrooms.  Geez, I could certainly tell some stories about the mushrooms I've collected this summer, in all of this crappy, soggy weather!  But I think I'll spare you the details.

I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

This terrible rainy weather* has driven us (ie, me and the baby) inside all day, every day.  Ergo, I've had PLENTY o' time to check out what's happening on TV.  That's why I wrote about Bear Grylls.  And now...

Ladies, there's a perfectly dreadful concept for a TV show out now: It's called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."  Now, I knew that there were definitely some times when women didn't know that they were about to give birth, or when they had their periods nonstop for 9 months or whatever, but can there really be an entire show based on this premise?  I guess that there are a lot more new moms who had to buy diapers and baby clothes ASAP than I realized.  Wow.  It's definitely something to avoid, isn't it?  I mean, not just unwitting pregnancy but also this TV program.  Of course...it might be a lesson for all of us (boys included) on how to steer away from... certain situations.

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* - BTW, the words "torrential downpour" can't begin to describe what happened on Tuesday.  It was awful -- I mean, I love rain but an entire ocean fell on us two days ago.  I was outside for maybe 20 seconds and was totally drenched, through the raincoat.  Who does all of this water belong to??

Just So You Know...

DON'T disinfect your apple with hand sanitizer.  I tried it, and it tasted yucky.

Bear Grylls

Forget Stewart:  Watch Man Vs. Wild.  It's cool.  The star of the show is a guy named Bear Grylls (No, not the Grizzly Guy) and he is hot.  He's not as hot as David is, but still very cute.  We watched his special with Will Ferrell because we thought it would be funny (and it was) but it was also really interesting to see this guy "survive" the arctic wilderness.  It's certainly not something I'd ever be dumb enough to try!  But if I did, I'd like to have Bear as my guide.  He's wise, and he looks really old and wizened, but he's actually only 34.  The wrinkles are probably from climbing Mt.Everest without enough sunblock.  Let's hope he survives long enough to get skin cancer!  It's iffy at best, since he seems to thrive on extremely dangerous situations.  Oh well. 

Dr. Oz Gets Hit By a Bus!

Not really.  But wouldn't that be funny?  Dr. Oz, who's always doing the right things to stay alive, getting hit by a bus.   Hah hah hah...   I was watching Oprah the other day and Dr. Oz was on, talking about extreme life extension.  Like, ordering new body parts when they break down and such.  So cool!  What part would you order first?  Geez...it's like a candy store of opportunities...

The show played right into my newest neurosis:  The Fear that I will Die Prematurely from My Own Bad Habits AND (equally scary) My Children Will Resent Me for Not Seeing Their Children Graduate from High School.  It's taking up all of my time these days, this fear.  I've been eating  a lot of kale and beets.  Stuff that will filter out my clogged liver.  No joke:  the new trainer at the gym told me that Diet Coke is clogging my liver.  He said that "the caramel color" is what does it. 

"Sprite Zero,"  he told me.  "You should drink that instead. Lemon-lime.  It's really good."

Yeah, whatever.  Not the same as my Diet Coke.  So I'm trying to compensate for the years and years of DC abuse with a couple of weeks of roughage.  And there's also the wine, and the fried food, etc, etc....and the frosting.   Just think how much damage I've done thus far.  It boggles the mind. 

Blame it on the Rain

MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTION:

It's raining today....[fill in the blank]

A.  ...again
B. ...like it always does
C. ...yes
D. all of the above

Somewhere, in some part of the world (California?  Oklahoma maybe?), people are being deprived of rain.  We know this because all of it has been sent to Massachusetts.  The potted plants on our front stoop are actually rotting.  It rains every day.  Maybe that's why I keep getting headaches.  Or why I've been drinking more wine and eating more chocolate recently.  Or maybe the wine and chocolate are causing the headaches?  I don't know...it's all just so fuzzy...

(important link)

Sumo Review

The suits arrived on time, early Friday afternoon.  The children were so excited that we opened the container IMMEDIATELY.  Alors, we sumo-ed Friday evening.  And all day Saturday.  And Sunday afternoon.  We were sumo FREAKS, man.

The best part was sharing it with other people.  The neighbors, my family & friends all got to try out the suits and I'm pretty sure that most of them hadn't done it before.  So there was yet another thing to cross off of the proverbial bucket list, folks!  Been there, did the sumo suits. 

And, I think we're done forever.  No more sumo.  It's a lot of work.  You put on a "bladder", step into the suit and then  "somebody" (in our case, David) fills the bladder full of air.  Then you try to knock your opponent out of the "arena" (ie, a ring filled with air).  Then you climb out of your suit, and the bladder.  Very sweaty business. 

Poor David has been sick with some mystery virus this week.  It really put a crimp in his sumo style.  He pulled himself together nicely, but I know he was suffering -- he didn't drink nearly as much beer as usual. 

RIP Michael Jackson

I hardly know where to begin;  it's as if Oprah Winfrey herself had passed!  My jaw dropped as I read the news last night and now it seems there ought to be a split screen:

1/2 for Michael and his passing, and

1/2 for my new favorite YouTube search -- "mad tv stewart"

There were jokes at the gym this AM, all about Michael and how weird he was, and how weird his funeral will probably be.  I suggested a Willy Wonka style, golden ticket approach to fans who want to attend.  Don't you think that would be the most fair way to do it?  Democratic. 

Later, David suggested that they have actors at the graveside service.  They could all dress up like corpses and emerge from the ground like the characters in Thriller.

And Stewart:  He's a character on the show Mad TV.  He is a grown man, but he dresses in a pastel plaid shirt and acts like an inappropriate 5 year old.  Stewart's hysterical -- at least I laugh hysterically at him.  He displays all of the worst behaviors of children in front of his mother, another hysterical character with a mid-Western accent.   I'll post a link here.  Just something to make you smile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pc_8hCywb3c

Fungus Overload

My new career is...Mushroom Farmer.  We came home from a wet vacation in Maine to discover our soggy garden covered in giant mushrooms. Yuck.  Some of them have golden brown tops as big as pancakes.  Others are delicate little white pinwheels.  If only I could sell them.  It would be great to take them to the Lexington Farmer's market each week.  Then, the locals could enjoy tasty, hallucinogenic salads.  Alas, there are no red mushrooms with the white polka dots, which are probably the most powerful.  Maybe I could cultivate those!  How tough could it be?

SUMO UPDATE:  This weekend is sumo suit time!  I ordered them and they are due to arrive at my house tomorrow.  I'm hoping to organize a couple of groups so that we can maximize suit usage.  STAY TUNED.

Reunion '09 continued

I spoke too soon.  The reunion was really great.  The Nice People were even Nicer, the Quiet People spoke up and the Beautiful People were...civil.  Really, I enjoyed myself.  Had too much wine.  Sat in between two girls who never would have sat next to me 20 years ago.  I noticed that both of them were drinking just water....

In retrospect, I wonder if my brazen drunkenness (along with my witty index cards) were just a little bit offensive to the two B-Peeps.  Maybe they were both recovering alcoholics?  Yes, that must have been it.  The Beautiful Guys sitting across from me were certainly not in recovery, and appeared to be enjoying themselves despite my loudness (or maybe they liked it!)  The girls just seemed aloof.  I even told them that they were the Beautiful People in high school and they did not seem to appreciate that piece of information.  One of them scowled at me.  Oh the horror! 

Later, (and here is the part that bothers David) I ran into Dana Delaney, class of 1974.  For any of you who didn't know, Dana Delaney is a well known movie and TV star.  She was adorable!  She smiled at me when she caught me staring at her.  She came right over to me for a chat. 

"Wow!  You are teeny tiny,"  I said.  (She looked about half a foot shorter than I am.)

She smiled.

"Can I have your autograph?"  I asked, tastelessly.

"Sure.  Is that all?"  She seemed to think I might be worthy of conversation.

I showed her my index cards.  She answered my questions.  She was lovely!!

Later, I told David about her and he was really depressed.  Apparently, he lusted after Dana's character in the movie "Tombstone", which was a real bomb.  He sent me links to YouTube with clips from Tombstone.  Cute. 

I promised David that we'd look for Dana at the next reunion, in 2014.  That is, if I can survive the stress of it all.;)